Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

It’s that time of year again when one’s cooking skills are put to the test!

Here’s a fail safe receipe for that seasonal favourite Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

The following ingredients will be required:

1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of butter
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

To ensure perfect results, follow the method to the letter and without deviation:

  • Sample the vodka to check the quality
  • Take a large bowl, check the vodka again
  • To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink
  • Repeat
  • Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl
  • Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again
  • At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still OK
  • Flavour with red bull to taste
  • Try another cup. Just in case turn off the mixer
  • Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit
  • Pick fruit off floor
  • Mix on the turner
  • If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver
  • Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticity, flavour with a little Bed Rull
  • Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … who giveshz a sh*t
  • Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
  • Pick up the can, mop the floor
  • Check the vodka
  • Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts
  • Add one table
  • Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find
  • Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over …
  • Don’t forget to beat off the turner
  • Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog
  • Fall into bed!



Daytime Television

A slightly tongue-in-cheek view of daytime tv in the United Kingdom which is not meant to cause offence …

Having considerable time on my hands owing to a hefty downfall in my workload, I’ve finally found the time to write something about daytime television. The first thing I must point out is that I’m no advocate of the facility but in order to be even slightly constructive. I’ve had to force myself to dip into the schedules and what a nightmare it has been. Thankfully the day starts off quite well with BBC Breakfast, a programme that manages to strike a fair balance between serious news coverage and the world of entertainment. Contrast this with the abysmal Daybreak on ITV which lacks any gravitas and currently is presented by two people who combined have the charisma of a dead wasp. In fact, the male presenter looks rather like a dead wasp! Still, I digress.

Immediately following Breakfast, the BBC offers a variety of programming in the slot up to 10am. At the time of writing, viewers are being informed about consumer issues in Rip Off Britain, a programme that has previously occupied an early evening slot. I suspect that there are not that many people who are unaware that we live in a rip off society, so it rather begs the question as to what benefits this programme has to offer.

As the day progresses, both BBC One and BBC Two between them effectively focus our minds on buying and selling homes or making money from discarded possessions. We can put our Homes Under the Hammer, choose whether To Buy Or Not To Buy, and even Escape To The Country. Having then decided that any relocation would be a logistical nightmare, and opting to stay put, we are encouraged to rummage for Cash In the Attic and convert Trash To Cash. Many of the homes featured are in the upper price bracket, yet it is highly probable that the audience demographic falls into a much lower category. Maybe that’s where the complementary programmes come into their own … a short-term means of survival by disposing of low value assets!

At least these programmes have some educational value! Compare them with the dross over on ITV during the day. There’s some bloke called Jeremy Kyle who manages to find the low life in society who are happy to air their dirty linen in public, or at least via the medium of national television. Just where do these people come from? One has to wonder whether or not some of the scenarios are staged simply for dramatic effect and to woo the audiences. Following this daily slanging match, we are loosely entertained by the insipid This Morning, a programme that lost all credibility after the departure of Richard and Judy. Talk about milking a dead cow!!

Just when I thought that things couldn’t get any worse, four Loose Women pop up. I fail to see the point of this trash other than as an outlet for the presenters to impart their highly inflated egotistical opinions upon bewildered viewers. Their guests struggled to get a word in edgeways, though this is hardly surprising given that the women include Janet Street-Porter, Denise Welch and Jenny Éclair. After a break for lunchtime news, BBC One offers a daily dose of Doctors, set in a fictional suburb of Birmingham. In fairness to this programme, it really deserves a better timeslot and would be best suited in the early evening prior to the news at 6pm.

In the afternoon, ITV hits back at the BBC with May The Best House Win whereby homeowners rate one another’s properties. This offered absolutely no staying power given that it would only be of the slightest interest to people in the immediate locality, so I was next serenaded by the over-powering and blinding David Dickinson trying to give me a Real Deal on things I’d sold earlier in the day when rummaging in my attic! As if that wasn’t enough, BBC Two encourages me to Flog It! in the late afternoon after I’d previously turned trash to cash.

So what alternative offerings do the main channels offer their daytime audience? Basically a plethora of quiz shows! Currently BBC Two shows Weakest Link, a programme that is now way past its sell-by date. It never ceases to amaze me what stupid answers some of the contestants give to the simplest of questions. Over on Channel 4 Countdown continues to reign supreme. Somehow this programme manages to stay fresh as the challenge to find words and numbers is different in every round. This was also the very first programme to be broadcast by the channel on its launch day in November 1982. Following this short period of brain-stimulation comes Deal Or No Deal, a show that almost renders me speechless. At best, this is a programme of simple luck, yet it has been promoted to a game of great skill and power of mind. I find it hilarious that contestants admit to any form of game plan, and actually enjoy seeing some of them humiliated because of greed in turning down what many would consider worthy sums of money. Finally, to round of the daytime schedule, BBC One now offers us Pointless and never has a programme been so aptly named!

I’ve just realised I’ve failed to mention Channel 5! Does anyone actually watch this channel? They appear to offer a bland mix of so-called discussion shows in the mornings followed by an hourly dose of Australian soaps, which even native Australians rarely watch.

I am not suggesting that daytime television shouldn’t exist but do feel that the programme content could be far more varied and the time slots used to show archive programming such as award-winning dramas and documentaries. Of course, in this technological age, the television is only one means of watching programmes, and with the advent of so many channels, quality standards were bound to suffer. Still, it is a sad indictment on the part of broadcasting executives that they think the only people watching during the day are of limited intelligence and would not have the ability to absorb more mentally stimulating programmes.

Having sacrificed time and energy to absorb the dross that comprises daytime tv scheduling, I can happily say that I will not be tuning in on a regular basis, much preferring to read a good book or listen to music.