Oh to be in England

A Londoner moves to Scotland …

20 DEC It’s 6pm and starting to snow; the first of the season and the first snowfall seen in years. The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat on the porch, watching the soft flakes drift down from the gloomy sky. It was a beautiful sight watching the flakes cling to the trees and slowly cover the ground.

24 DEC We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and bush was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled the snow for the first time and loved it, clearing both the driveway and the pavement. Later a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compact snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled the snow away again.

26 DEC It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around -8C. Several branches on the trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway once more. Shortly afterwards, the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-grey!

1 JAN Happy New Year! It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Went out and bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Paid £100 to a physiotherapist but thankfully nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

5 JAN Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a Land Rover so she could get to work. She slid into a motorway barrier causing a considerable amount of damage to the front wing. Had another 8 inches of the white stuff in the night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced-up slush. More shovelling in store for me as the snowplough came by twice during the day.

9 JAN It’s -15C outside. More bloody snow. There’s not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly burnt the house down! I managed to put out the flames but suffered second degree burns to my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid on the ice on the way to A&E and was written off.

13 JAN The bloody white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the post box. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the bloody snowplough, I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling before coming down the street at 100mph and burying our driveway again!!

17 JAN Another 16 inches of bloody snow, sleet, ice and God knows what other kind of white stuff fell last night. I wounded the bloody snowplough driver with an ice axe but he got away. The wife left me. The car won’t start. Think I’m going snow blind. Can’t move my bloody toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Temperature -20C … I’m moving back to Clapham!